Don’t Be a Butthole?

I saw a blog post shared on Facebook recently called Don’t Be a Butthole Wife. I clicked on it, eager to find out more. The title suggested a sassy, tell it like it is marital advice post that I could relate to.

Not so much.

Her overall point, which I agree with, was that we wives need to stop sweating the small stuff and learn to appreciate our husbands, because one day they might die. Yes, that’s extreme, but it’s also true.

The point where I disagreed with her was in her example of what a “butthole wife” is.

In the blog post, the example of “butthole wife” that she used was dirty laundry. Apparently her husband didn’t always put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, and it aggravated her. But after he died, she realized she missed seeing his dirty clothes on the floor.

Look, I wrote an entire eBook about relationship boundaries, and the primary example I used was laundry and hampers! So I’m a little sensitive on this point. Expecting a grown man to put his dirty clothes in a laundry hamper, and then being frustrated when he fails to do so, is NOT being a butthole!

Expecting your spouse to act like an adult is healthy.

I’d like to chime in with a different example, one that I think makes a little more sense. Last month, I was expecting an important package in the mail. According to the tracking number, it had been delivered. Yet I didn’t receive it. I asked my husband about it and he hadn’t gotten it either. I checked my porch and mailbox every day. I looked around the house. I asked my husband to look around the house. Finally, I filed a lost package claim, and ordered a replacement (which was free) from the company.

Two days later, I found the package. My husband HAD gotten it from the mailbox, but had put it in a “safe place” and then forgotten about it.

I could have been a butthole about that. I could’ve yelled at him, rolled my eyes, given him the silent treatment, argued with him, scolded him, or made passive aggressive remarks for weeks. Instead, I laughed. He and I looked at that box and laughed. He sheepishly apologized as he gradually remembered what he had done. I jokingly told him he owed me big time. But we didn’t hold a grudge.

That event was frustrating, and he was almost entirely to blame. But it was an honest mistake. And I chose to love my husband and laugh at the mistake. Because that was the choice that brought the most joy and love into our life together.

There are millions of ways to be unkind to other humans.

We use our creativity to full effect when it comes to mistreating each other. We hold grudges, we use nonverbal noises, we make passive aggressive comments, we pick fights, the list goes on and on.

Don’t do that.

If you’re angry or upset, communicate that emotion simply and assertively. Look for solutions. Explain yourself. Set expectations. Maintain healthy boundaries, even and especially with your husband!

And at the end of the day, choose to let go of grudges. Accept apologies by forgiving and forgetting. Treat your spouse with respect and grace. Laugh as much as you can. Don’t be a butthole.

Let’s be decent to one another.

Effective Communication

 

Save